Life After Loss in the NICU

Mothers and fathers of NICU angels, I wish I could tell you that I know what you’re feeling but quite frankly I cannot. We all feel and grief so differently; however, I can tell you that I am so extremely sorry you’re going through this too and understand the huge void that is felt when a child is physically gone. I advise you to allow yourself to feel all that you must feel and open up as much as you need to because the more you allow yourself to feel the quicker you’ll get to start navigating through your grief.

Soon after Mateo became an angel baby I would sometimes wake up and want to run back to the hospital to NICU #7 where I last saw my tiny warrior alive but then I’d realize that he wouldn’t be there, and I would sob. Typically, after a moment like that I’d go buy the most beautiful flowers I could find and take them to his resting place, in the cemetery. Going to his resting place at first was extremely hard and made me very sad but it was the closest I’d feel to him. I also felt like going to clean his tombstone and placing flowers in the vase was the only physical thing I could do for him.

Nowadays, three years later, I still sometimes feel like running to the hospital where I saw him alive for 11 days but rather than sobbing at that thought, I know instead smile. I smile because I’m proud of the fighter I birthed and had the opportunity to get to know, even though it was for a short time. I then pick the most beautiful flowers and go to his resting place by myself, with my son and/or husband. Going to clean his tombstone and leaving him flowers doesn’t feel as sad anymore, it gives me a lot of peace because I feel honored to be a mom an angel tiny warrior who watches over our family.